Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
