Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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