he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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