I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
