I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
