mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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