tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
