Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize