Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
