and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
