Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
