True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize