I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
he fucked my hip out of place.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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