I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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