I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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