yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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