Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
