So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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