no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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