I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
