like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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