Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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