I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
