Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I did not marry a roomba.
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