I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
