Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I cut my penus on the lid.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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