Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
