How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
