I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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