1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
