umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize