Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I am available for nakedness
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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