I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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