New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
