Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
