two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
