My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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