right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
