Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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