Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize