got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
