so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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