Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
