I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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