y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
