I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
