I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Randomize
