I molested 6 butterflies tonight
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
