At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Welp...herpes.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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