My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
