I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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