I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
