I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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