I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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