it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
