i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i love accidental penises.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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