I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
