I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
