it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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