I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
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